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This page contains a single entry posted on 9 July 2007 09:58 AM.

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First Full Weekend Visitation in Months | Fireworks

Spent the first full weekend with the Bug (Fri-Sat-Sun) in several months. I had previously been donating my Saturdays to his mom .. but decided, recently, to take more time with the little guy.

Never ceases to surprise me how much depth to the relationship it adds by spending consecutive days together. Nothing like a big chunk o' time to develop the father/son relationship & bond. Very satisfying.

It's difficult to make blog entries when I have him (impossible, actually, 'less he's nappin'). So he's normally gone when I sit down to write.

Difficult to watch him go. Afterwards, it feels like my heart was ripped out. Messes me up. To say it's disorienting is an understatement, but that's the best word I can find to describe the feeling. Takes me a while to recover (re-orient).

I don't really understand *why* I feel so whacked afterwards, cuz I know it's good for him to be with his mom, and she takes good care of him .. and by the time she comes to get him, I'm pretty whupped anyway.

••••• today's entry continues below •••••

But still, there's that "disoriented" feeling, which is so uncomfortable. Yesterday, after he left (heart ripped out) .. I went for a (10-mile) bike ride around the Bay Bay (Newport Beach).

That was great therapy. I channel all that emotional angst into the pedals, cranking the whole way, 'til I'm settled again.

I don't want to leave the impression it's not a total blast hanging with him. (It is!) He's at a cool age (2½ this week), where his language skills are sufficiently developed to communicate on a basic level.

Just this week he started asking what certain words mean. For example, "What means stubborn?" Usually this is a word he's heard on some video.

The night of the 4th was cool .. until we arrived at Castaways park. Kids who lived in a private gated community near the park were shooting off fireworks.

I think these frightened the bug. (He clung to me more tightly than ever.) So many fireworks were being lit in the ajoining neighborhood that a police chopper was soon circling overhead, with a NiteSun shining down on the area. The main fireworks were far enough away (across the bay) that the noise didn't frighten him.

Lotsa other kids there his age, including a 4-month-old baby next to us. Still, he wanted to leave early. We stayed only 10 or 15 minutes. It must've made an impression however, cuz every day since he talks about going to see the fireworks "when it gets dark." Hard to explain he'll have to wait until next year to see them again.

Wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I'm a different person with him, tho I don't actually understand the dynamics. Love is transformative, and I think that's the easiest explanation of what happens when we get together. There are a multitude a small changes, which would be more difficult to describe. One guy yesterday said there was "a certain glow" about me. (That's how I felt.)

On another note, the library sent me an email, saying the Castro HTML book was in. (Picked it up Saturday.) The HeadFirst book arrived today (in the mail). I'm going to read the HeadFirst HTML/CSS book first. (Already started.)

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