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« Memories of Another Day | Main | 5 Reasons Why You Should Back-up Your Hard Drive with a Cloning Program such as Norton Ghost »

Everything I Can Possibly Do .. to Stay in the Bug's Life

Quick update to let everybody know that .. regarding the previous entry (and this one) » I'm doing everything I possibly can .. to remain in the Bug's life.

When you can't afford an attorney, there are only so many levers you can pull, and buttons you can push. But I'm pushing & pulling the best I can. (Couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try.)

And as you know, lawyers can definitely help, especially good ones. If my efforts fail .. ugh .. I'll have to deal with that. But I can't not try.

I'm probably in denial, but I actually have a sense of hope & optimism.

Serious emotional stress here. Whew! This is the worst emotional stress I think I've ever experienced. [Funny that this comes right after the worst *physical* stress I've ever experienced .. just a few weeks ago.]

••• today's entry continues below •••

I mean, I could tell you stories of how it has been affecting my body, but I don't want to gross you out. =)

Now if it were just me, hey, I would *welcome* the distance .. cuz it would put an end to much of the strife. But there's the Bug to think about, and something inside compels me .. to do whatever I can .. to remain in his life .. on a "frequent & continuing" basis.

Another weird thing .. is that (despite the recommendations of others), I have no malice toward the mom .. probably because she *is* the Bug's mom, and anything bad for her would affect him. I still haven't fully figured out my feelings on that, tho. Weird. [And no, I don't think the feeling is mutual. =) ]

Of course I've been praying like a madman (for the mom, too) .. every night, since sleep has been fleeting. Normally, I sleep like a big dog. Tho not lately. Yet I feel fine (physically speaking). Dropping weight. Appetite is hard to come by. I fill up fast. Forcing myself to eat.

Sometimes when I can't sleep (like now » 2:43 AM), I watch Frontline specials, since (for whatever reason) I find them calming. Maybe it's the narrator's voice? .. or their logical, methodical approach. Or just the pure distraction. I also sometimes suck on melatonin tabs, tho they tend to give me vivid dreams.


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