Ye Olde Rad Blog II

Normally I couldn't care less about Britney's latest escapade (having enough problems of my own).

But today's article caught my attention, cuz she lost her kids. One line in particular jumped out (4th paragraph):

» The joke's over. At least for now. Because there are few things worse than losing one's kids.

This is an issue (sad to say) I've been preparing for. Naturally, I'm hoping for the best. But the decision is out of my hands. So I need to prepare for the possibility things don't go my way. (Sukus maximus.)

The reason the author puts losing-one's-kids near the top of Life's Worst Things, I believe (and again, this is something I've been staring at for weeks now), is because » parenting taps into some of our most basic instincts.

These instincts are hard-wired, deep in our subconscious. They tend to override normal conscious thought, and energize us with powerful emotions. This is why we do things for our kids we'd normally never think of doing.

So how do I cope? Defense mechanisms, I'm sure, play a major role. They protect us from thoughts and feelings too distressing to deal with.

My buddy Tom said, "Don't try to move." Asked me, "How many fingers am I holding up?" and what state we were in. I knew that stuff. (Three, California.) He's taken numerous first-aid classes.

Maybe mild concussion. Was wearing a helmet. Nasty (bloody) scrapes left arm & leg. (Looks cool, tho.) I rode out. (Walked the gnarlier parts.)

We'll see how I feel in the morning. Probably will be stiff. Tom has a chiropractor he wants me to see tomorrow, to take some x-rays, just in case.

Met others on the trail who had the same thing happen. (Airborne. Launched.) They said first couple of days are worst. Been icing neck. (First 24-48 hours.)

If you're naseous and/or dizzy, that indicates concussion. I was neither. Turning head side-to-side not fun. Took a Motrin. (Might need another.)

Regarding Sunday's mountain biking mishap (see previous entry), I should be over the worst of it .. tho not yet out of the woods.

Starting to feel human again. Neck still sore/stiff, especially left side. Got a headache, too, which I didn't have before. Weird. Otherwise, it's steady as she goes .. with Advil & Tigerbalm. (I'm done with icing phase.)

My new mountain bike has disc break, which provides more stopping power (way more) than old bike. Two fingers is all it takes. Makes it easy to lock front tire .. which can send you sailing over the handlebars, especially on a steep decline.

Tom's wife told me she is more afraid of mountain biking than rock climbing, cuz there's a greater chance of hitting the ground while mountain biking. (No safety ropes to break your fall.)

On the trails, she always let me go first (after Tom), saying she was super cautious, going extra slowly. I thought she was just being nice, sandwiching me (least experienced rider) between her and her husband. She certainly made it look easy.

But maybe she really was leery. I can see now why that might be. =/ She also told me she never used her front brake .. to prevent going over the handlebars. I thought "never" was extreme. Doesn't seem so extreme now.

The good news is .. I didn't miss any time with the Bug. Unless a doctor, or a judge, tells me I can't (or shouldn't) see him, I'm there .. bright and early.

We did low-key stuff .. like lay on the bed together and watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang .. on my laptop (propped on my legs) while I held him. (Feels good to lay horizontal.) He seemed to enjoy that, saying, "This is cool, dada."

His favorite part is Me Ol' Bamboo, which makes him get up and jump around like the dancers. But caring for him in my condition is (as you might imagine) taxing. Hard for injured muscles to heal if they can't rest.

Today I'm trying to rest, and not move very much .. which is more difficult than I anticipated. Pain (my ol' friend) I can handle; I merely don't want to re-injure anything. I have a DVD on learning Dreamweaver CS3 that seems well-suited to my present condition.

People say I look like I'm in pain. Must be more difficult to hide than I thought. My head is crooked (like the Leaning Tower), tilted to the left. My left shoulder is raised. I walk like Frankenstein. Difficult to open my mouth to eat. (Corn-on-the-cob impossible.)

I like Frontline cuz they present their investigative reporting in a manner that is methodical & logical, allowing me (the viewer) to arrive at my own conclusions. I never feel like Frontline is trying to coerce me into adopting a certain viewpoint.

They also dig deep, uncovering insights few researchers find. And their programs address topics you're not likely to find elsewhere. Next week's program, for example, is titled » Showdown with Iran.

I don't understand it myself. Perhaps I'm in denial. Or maybe I sense (intuitively) some good news about to arrive from the cosmos. (Wishful thinking?)

The neck is still sore/stiff, but it's the least of my worries right now. And besides, there's nothing I can do to make it heal any faster, other than rest. (Tomorrow will be two weeks since I went sailing over then handlebars and landed on my head.)

My overriding concern is the threat of the Bug being taken away. (Far away.) As previously mentioned, I'm doing everything I can to prevent that from happening. (For example, I spent yesterday afternoon at the courthouse.) But the decision is out of my hands. And I can no longer afford an attorney.

Speaking of the Bug, he slept over earlier this week. I had the *coolest* dream that night .. about us going to the beach - a magical beach, on a picture-perfect day, late in the afternoon.

The water was crystal clear and warm, the white sand powdery soft. The nicest people camped nearby - families, with fancy cameras, who shot video of the Bug & I playing together...

.. as tall masted ships sailed in agitated seas just offshore. We swam however, in tranquil waters, with dolphins and brightly-colored fish within a protective reef. Our beach-neighbors even offered me an extra coffee they'd brought along from Starbucks. Talk about an idyllic setting.

The dream left me in such an enchanted state that I felt wrapped in a glow of paternal contentment for days afterward.

White flakes of ash litter the ground. A fine film of black dust/dirt covers surfaces near all cracked windows. The moon appeared orange last night, like a pumpkin.

The air is very dry. Shirts and bed-sheets have that fresh-out-of-the-dryer crispness. The shower is bone-dry 10 minutes after stepping out.

I soaked a few towels last night and hung them up, to add some moisture to the air. The winds have died down today, but raged last 2 days, knocking down a section of fence here Sunday night.

Weighing in at 1,000 pages, this is the fattest book I've ever sat down with. So far, I'm very impressed. Even the first (introductory) chapters contain many insightful tips about real world usage (my favorite kind).

This might be the best tech-book I've ever read (uh, still reading) .. far as usable insights per page. Can't wait to get to the later chapters (26 total), which deal with the more-advanced stuff. (Wish I could read/comprehend faster.)

One reason why this book might be so polished is cuz this particular version is the author's 5th incarnation .. having begun with Dreamweaver 4 (back in 2001), then » Dreamweaver MX (in 2002), then » Dreamweaver MX 2004 (in 2003), then » Dreamweaver 8 (in 2005).

It's readily evident McFarland knows the program inside-out, and is therefore able to reveal its secrets with ease.

Today I feel exhausted, on a deep, emotional level. (My bones feel tired.)

The past month-or-so I've had unlimited energy (and trouble sleeping). Now that we have resolution, I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Slept hard last night. Hard to wake this morning. Today I keep falling asleep (even after a triple-espresso), napping repeatedly during the day.

Yesterday was my best-day-ever in court. (My first without an attorney.) I never had to say a word. I think I said, "Okay," and that was all.

"I don't get him today," I'd reply. And they respond with some encouraging comment, and share insightful observations about seeing us together. I could tell their comments were genuine & heartfelt.

There's a difference between knowing something (intellectually), and internalizing it. I've always known I was a good dad, but I never really felt that way. (Until today.)

Perhaps the reason for this delay is cuz I've always felt I could do a better job .. or cuz I don't get to see the Bug as often as I'd like. I mean, days go by without seeing him. Sometimes weeks.

How good of a dad can you be if you're only together a fraction of the time? Or maybe it's cuz my parenting techniques are frequently criticized (.. by one person in particular).